When I arrived at ‘Melanie’s’ house (not her real name), she and two week old baby Liam were crying.
Melanie was exhausted and stressed about her low milk supply. She had been up during the night to feed Liam two hourly, then settle him so she could express around the clock. Since 6am she and her partner had been taking turns walking the floor with Liam. It was now midday and, guess what, Melanie hadn’t eaten a thing herself.
‘Of course a helpless baby needs to have his needs met but a hungry mum, affected by low blood sugar and exhaustion isn’t up to making good decisions or meeting her baby’s needs.
After asking Melanie, “when did you last eat?” and checking there was food available, I sent her to the kitchen to find something substantial to eat. I suggested Melanie’s partner rocked little Liam to sleep in a sling and showed him how to adjust the sling so baby Liam would be safely supported . As he wore a now sleeping baby, this worried dad was then able to eat and browse the weekend paper before walking to the shops to stock up o essentials like bread and toilet paper with Liam asleep in the sling while Melanie went to bed for a much needed nap.
After eating, Melanie’s tears had subsided and she was able to think straight as together we made a simple plan of feed baby; feed mum; and rest while baby sleeps . With some small adjustments, baby Liam was now latching and sucking effectively, so there was no need to continue this unsustainable 'triple feediing' (feed, express, top-up) routine. We also discussed what support was available as her partner had to return to work in a couple of days.
Although asking for help is difficult for most of us, friends and family are usually very excited to be able to share the joy of a new baby, either by bringing food, hanging out (the endless) washing or simply holding a baby while you rest.
You can save the awkwardness of asking for help when you are feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed when you have a newborn by asking baby shower guests to pledge help instead of baby gifts - ask them to bring freezer meals to stash away for your postnatal recovery or gift vouchers for meal delivery or housework.
Many new families don’t live near their parents or grandparents are elderly and may have health issues that mean they can't help, or need help themselves. Friends may be struggling with their own small children and/or working full time - the postnatal period can feel very lonely without a village.
If you have a very small (if any) community of potential helpers, it is worth prioritising a portion of your maternity leave payment or savings to hiring extra help – a cleaner, a postnatal doula (a Greek word for ‘mother’s servant’, and this is exactly her role), a meal delivery service, or even dog walker – whatever will be useful to help lighten your load.
If money is tight, consider, is there a local high-school aged kid who would love the opportunity to earn some pocket money (think, any kid between 12 and 15 who can’t legally get a job at a fast food place). For a small amount, a young person could help after school – playing with a toddler (with you present – it’s too much responsibility at this age to have solo care for a child) while you feed the baby, put dinner on or do something you haven't been able to complete with little ones under foot. They could also do light household chores and they will be grateful for a small wage. Of course, discussing this with their parents is important so you have realistic expectations of their capabilities and availability around homework and other commitments.
Taking care of you
- If you want help from your partner, say so and be specific about what you need. Being a parent won’t suddenly bless him or her with mind reading powers, and simmering with resentment won’t get the washing put away.
- Have a shower early – pop baby in a rocker in the bathroom if she is likely to yell. If you are dressed, you feel more in control if things go ‘pear shaped’ later. Also if you are dressed you can go for a walk -exercise will boost endorphins (feel good hormones) and getting out can help alleviate that ‘trapped’ feeling.
- Before Feeds, check in with YOU - when did I last eat? Is my water bottle full? Where is my phone- and can I reach it? Fill a ‘feeding basket’ with healthy snacks,water bottle (you can fill this with warm or chilled Boobie tea to sip), book, phone (download an audio book or podcasts) and remote control - 'Netflix and chill' has a whole new meaning!
- Learn to feed lying down - in a safe space in case you doze off. Even if you aren't sleeping, your body will be resting and you will feel relaxed.
- Stock up on nutritious foods that are easily prepared and eaten with one hand – fruit, boiled eggs, cans of tuna or salmon, yoghurt, wholegrain bread, cereals – and Boobie Bikkies!
- Do your grocery shopping online and either use a click and collect service or have food and essentials delivered.
- Use cooking appliances that make life easy -a slow cooker, a sandwich toaster and a blender for smoothies.
- Accept all offers of help. If you are expecting visitors (or hear them pull up unexpectedly) leave vegetables and chopping board on the bench. You may need to mention, “I was just starting dinner when the baby woke.” Only the most unhelpful person wouldn’t feel obliged to prepare your vegetables for you.
